Introduction
This madness started two years ago. It was a quiet afternoon and I was stressed with post-Midterm checking. I decided to while the time away by writing a silly nonsensical blog entry in Multiply called “The Battle of Ateneo,” an Atenean-styled parody of a pivotal chapter in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. I toyed around with the idea of professors and students working together to protect their school and started wondering: what would Ateneo be like if it was invaded by incredible, strong adversaries? What powers would the legendary Ateneo professors have? What resources would be used? What myths could be deployed?
Contacts found the stupid thing amusing and started reposting what was once a stand-alone piece in forums and in e-mail exchanges. Peer pressure “forced” me to write three more chapters. Later, founders of the now defunct AnimoAteneo.com asked for my permission to post the piece as an article in their website. I agreed. Who would read an absurd parody anyway? Well, the AnimoAteneo.com users did. And pretty soon, Harry Potter the Atenean found himself delighting students and alumni of all ages around the world. I even received a note from Dr. Ma. Assunta Cuyegkeng (who will make yet another appearance in a few moments), telling me how much she enjoyed the piece. And I thought I was going to lose my job!
Now, currently a Masters student in NUS and on leave from teaching duties, I find myself writing a sequel. Much like its predecessor, the sequel was written for no apparent reason. Perhaps it is an absurd documentation of my homesickness and love for my alma mater – a love that has endured bouts and rounds of disillusionment and first hand experiences with the institution’s imperfections (but that is another story).
For now, here is Harry Potter and the Half-Witted Revenge of the Pollens, longer and more absurd than ever.
Parody takes its shape, form and life from stereotypes, (mis)conceptions and shared public knowledge. If the parody is to succeed, it must play around with these caricatures with unapologetic humor and exaggerations articulated with virtual impunity. To the people (students and professors, Ateneans and non-Ateneans alike) who are featured here, understand that more likely than not, it is your office or a particular aspect in your public life that is represented and parodied here. And to the characters casted as “villains,” remember that heroes are only as great as the villains who oppose them. The things the characters will say here are my own doing and do not necessarily reflect whatever philosophies, ideologies, perspectives the parodied characters have in real life.
Enjoy!
M. L.
AB 2007
Singapore
Prologue
PLDT CTC Building
2:oo PM
CTC 103. Dr. Luisa Torres-Reyes, Chair of the Department of English, silenced her class with a stern look then she chalked a simple sentence on the board. “Your attention, please” Reyes said “In today’s class, we will be turning bad sentences into great compositions.” Bored eyes were fixed on the professor.
“Now” Reyes continued “Remember the nice wrist movement we’ve been practicing. The Jeswitik! Altogther…” The freshmen picked up their wands and swayed their wrists as they practiced before “… the Jeswitik! ”
“Now, enunciate” Reyes pointed her wand at the sentence and chanted the incantation “Bola-bola” The simple sentence turned into a paragraph. The spell captured the interest of the students for a few seconds before all eyes trailed to the darkening sky outside. “That’s weird” a student said “Wasn’t the sky cloudless a minute ago?”
CTC 105. The subtle babble and murmur abruptly died as the Jesuit Philosophy professor marched towards the platform in authoritative strides. “There will be no Metaphysics or those cute little Meron-Merons in this class. As such many of you may not appreciate the subtle brilliance that is Michel Foucault’s philosophy however for those select few, who possess the predisposition… I can teach you how to discipline the mind and punish the senses. I can teach you how to produce docile bodies, deflect the panoptical gaze and even deploy sexualities. Then again….” he fixed his gaze on a group of students looking out the window “Some of you may come to this class with abilities so formidable that you feel confident enough… to not pay attention…”
“Sorry Father!” the surprised Junior said “I was just observing the weather outside. It looks like a storm’s coming…”
An announcement breaking through the PA system interrupted the professor: “Attention. All Loyola Schools Faculty members. Please leave your class with work and report to the old Comm Dept building. This is an emergency but not a cancellation of class. To all students: this is a life-or-death emergency but we are not canceling class. Do the work assigned to you.”
One
The Fall of the Faculty
Comm Studio
The Old Communication Department Building
3:00 PM
Confused professors squeezed themselves inside the studio. Front and center was Augustin Rodriguez, chair of the School Forum and the meeting’s master of ceremonies.
“Can we have silence please?” Rodriguez called out. “Can we…” Realizing that the meeting had to be called to order immediately, Rodriguez took his wand out, placed the tip on his throat and muttered “Eloquentia Magis… ATTENTIOOON!”
“Gus. What are we doing here?”
“Why are we in this room, noh? Why can’t we be in Leong, noh?”
“The way this meeting’s handled. This is so not good for our rankings.”
“Hoy! Asan na yung coffee machine? Ba’t walang coffee machine? Ibalik ang coffee machine. Achooooot!”
“Dr. Cuyegkeng” Rodriguez said “and Fr. Ben and all the administrators are currently abroad if you remember the memo. Now I’m calling this meeting because we have received information that the school might be in danger. That’s why we are holding this meeting here, away from the main University grounds, away from the students.”
“We have contained the Swine Flu na, noh?”
“There’s another typhoon?”
“No, Ma’am, it has nothing to do with Swine Flu” the School Chair continued “And yes, another typhoon’s hitting the Philippines tomorrow but we’re handling that already. For now, the cancellation of classes will be placed in the ‘Under Discernment Category’ We will be confirming cancellation of classes by 12 noon tomorrow. That is not our concern. This is: we have reason to believe that… the League of Anti-Ateneans have returned”
Gasps echoed throughout the room.
“That’s impossible. The League has been extinct for decades,” a professor said, turning to Fr. Roque Ferriols SJ “I don’t think it’s possible that the League would return without us sensing their presence.”
“Ah!” Ferriols replied “Hindi dapat natin isipin na imposible iyan. Marahil na kailangang nating ulitin ang karanasan ng pakikipagsapalaran sa mga taong walang-wala na sa kanilang pagmemeron.”
The professors nodded in agreement.
“New reliable evidence also suggests” Rodriguez said “that the attack two years ago led by the La Sallians was orchestrated by League of Anti-Ateneans. The League used the students and staff of La Salle to do their dirty work. Our current truce with La Salle tells us that they are no longer susceptible to the League’s manipulations. They seem to have found another way. Now…”
A hooded and masked figure suddenly appeared behind Rodriguez
“… a member of the League has decided to defect to our side in exchange for protection, amnesty and an autographed Chris Tiu jersey. He is here to tell us about the League’s plans.” Rodriguez then gave the stage to the man and sat down in the first row.
“The situation is quite simple.” the man croaked “It will always be… Animo La Salle!” he screamed while sweeping his wanded arm. A green wave engulfed the room, from left to right, knocking all the professors out.
Three more hooded figures Apparated inside the room.
“Well done, Mr. F” a new arrival said
“Can we please change the incantation for the Killing Curse, Mr. Q?” F said “I no longer wish to evoke the power of that other school that failed to do our bidding.”
“When the sun rises tomorrow, Mr. F” Q said, “There won’t be any need for the Killing Curse.”
“I can still hear breathing.” the other figure, M said “Why are they not dead?”
“Strange. Let me see.” Q then pointed his wand upward. The white hissing smoke emanating from his wand revealed an odd-looking puncture in the air. “Aha!”
“What?”
“Mr. F, your Killing Curse passed through the famous portal of the Ateneo Comm dept. The portal I believe, filtered out the effects of the Killing Curse. They’re just out cold. No matter. We can attend to them later. To the LS grounds!”
A few seconds after the League members Disapparated, two ghosts emerged from the portal and hovered gently over the unconscious professors. One ghost turned to his companion “Send word to all the resident spirits of PIPAC, Cervini, Eliazo… all of them. Make sure they find the Sanggunian President. Hurry. There is no time to waste…”
Two
The League of Anti-Ateneans
Colayco Pavilion
Manny V. Pangilinan Building
4:00 PM
Student council President Gio Tingson crossed his arms and stared coldly at the emissary of the League of Anti-Ateneans. As a player for the Blue Eaglets in his High School days, Gio mastered the art of staring his opponents down, refusing to be intimidated by any foe, regardless of size and number. Still, he could not help but feel a sense of fear. The administrators were abroad and the professors, according to the report of the resident MVP ghost, were all incapacitated. Standing behind him were the different members of the Student Council, representing the House of De La Costa, the House of Leong, the House of Escaler and the House of Gokongwei.
“On behalf of The League of Anti-Ateneans, I would like to extend my advanced deep condolences to the demise of the Ateneo community.”
“What is this League and what have we done? Why do you want to kill us.” Gio said
“Only a stupid man would call what you have, lives, Gio. Partying, not caring for the poor and the sick, parading your arrogance with your high sense of entitlement. These are not the principles an educated person should live by. Your ill community has produced the worst the Philippines has seen.”
“The League of Anti-Ateneans has been a check for Atenean arrogance for almost two centuries. We were behind the Jesuit expulsion and the execution of Rizal. We burned your Intramuros campus to the ground. Every time Ateneans reach the peak of their arrogance, we return to restore the balance. The movement towards humility will be unstoppable this time…”
“There are so many good people here, Mr. C” Gio said “Give us more time.”
“You are defending an institution that has been so corrupted with arrogance that termination becomes the only solution. We are back to finish the job. And this time none of your magis bull will be able to stop us… Like the rest of your alumni, all of you lack the humility that is absolutely necessary. If someone stands in the way of being a true educated person, you simply walk in front of him and stab him in the heart.”
C then pulled a knife from his robe and lunged at the Sanggunian President who with lightning speed, grabbed his neck with one hand.
“No…”
“You’re dead, you’re all…”
“YOU’RE GAY!” Gio shouted and chokeslammed him to the floor, knocking him out.
“Woooo! Gio! Lakas” his Sanggunian colleagues shouted “Palibhasa ang girl mo sikat…”
“Shaddap! There’s work to be done. Gather everyone. Students may assemble by orgs or by course. Then regroup here in 10 minutes for our battle plan …”
As the student leaders went off to gather their constituents, Gio noticed that somebody was missing.
“Where’s Rose?”
Heads turned left and right. The president of the Ateneo Resident Student Association was indeed missing. Little did they know that something sinister was afoot in the highest point on campus…
Ateneo de Manila University Residence Halls
4:05 PM
All that Rose could get from the Cervini and Eliazo ghosts was that the school was in danger. With Timothy Gabuna abroad with the Nebres contingent and the dorm mentors somewhere in the Comm Dept, she decided that it was best to tell the dormers to stay inside their rooms. Having witnessed the Battle of Ateneo two years ago, she told them to prepare for anything. Wands out. And to practice Stunning and Disarming with their roommates.
Before she and her dorm council could step out and head off to Colayco, the corridor and room-to-room pagers and intercoms crackled and a pitched voice spoke over the system:
“This afternoon you’re all gonna be part of a post-ARSA OrSem experiment. We have placed two small red boxes in the complex. The box for the upperclassmen is under the water tank. The freshmen will find theirs in the paved walk between Cervini and Eliazo. Insidebv the box is a remote control that will give the opposite dorms the biggest BANG ever! Blow up the opposite dorms.”
“In 15 minutes, we blow you all up. If however, a freshman or an upperclass presses the button, we will let their two dorms live. Any attempt to escape or cross over to the other dorms and you all die. So which will it be? Timothy Gabuna’s apples OR the sunshine of his life? You choose! Oh and you might want to decide quickly because the people in the other dorms might not be so noble… 1-2-3 Bang!”
Three
Student-Centered Fighting
Field Between the SocSci Building
and De La Costa Hall
4:15 PM
The plan was to group all students into teams made up of members from different Houses. Some teams were assigned to different buildings and use them as points for attack while the rest were given patrol-and-strike duties. Each team would also have specialized members to reinforce and strengthen the group’s attack efficiency. Selected students were also asked to stay in their respective Houses to man and control their assigned support Center.
“Okay, okay” said Gio who being a Philo major, decided to preside over the briefing for the De La Costa House, now the Center for Reinforcements.
“You all know what you’re supposed to do. I want the Creative Writing Majors and the Editorial Board of Heights to group with the Literature Majors inside the Natividad Galang Fajardo Room. You! Make sure there are lots of papers inside that room. The CW Majors will write and create as many fictional fighting characters as possible. Lit Majors, you will bring those characters to life.”
“Gio!” a CW major called out “Since we are not Palanca winners or established writers yet, the life span of our characters will not be that long. At the most, they can only fight for an hour, even less, before disintegrating to dust. Nevertheless, we will keep on writing”
“No worries, pare!” a Lit Major replied “We will arm your characters with special abilities. We are after all good at producing hybridity and all that.”
“Some of my coursemates” a Philosophy student interjected “will help turn your characters into ubermench, SUPERMEN, as well!”
“And if all these will fail” an IS major said “We will energize your characters by combining two unlikely skills!”
“Great!” Gio said “ID majors?”
“We are assuming” an ID major replied “that the League prepared for this battle a long time ago. We are assuming that they have a mental map of the campus. Our job is to strike them from behind and wipe their visual memories out in order to disorient them. We will take advantage of their temporary confusion and take them down. We have majors stationed in every building. They will be working with the teams assigned there.”
“We have also designed” she continued “a Marauder map of the Ateneo campus. Each team leader will have a copy. To ‘activate’ the map the user need only to touch the paper with the tip of his wand and say ‘I solemnly swear that I am so good. I know, right?’ and to deactivate it ‘Goodjab!’”
“With your permission, ” interrupted Mikey Panopio, Company Manager of Tanghalang Ateneo “we’re taking all the Theatre Arts majors and grouping them inside the Rizal Mini-Theatre. They will be working with the members of Tanghalang Ateneo, Blue Rep and Entablado. We have a special surprise for the enemies.”
“Alright! You’re all set. To those assigned in NGF, go to your stations! And for the rest, join your teams” Gio called out “One Big Fight!”
Leong Auditorium
Ricardo Leong Hall
4:15 PM
While Gio Tingson was busy briefing De Le Costa House, Vice President Jauro Castro found himself in Leong Auditorium, now the Center for Reconnaissance, Espionage and Battlefield Intelligence, meeting with the key leaders from Leong House.
“Sandali lang po” Jauro called “Makinig muna po tayo… Okay, okay, unang-una sa lahat: all Psych majors, AB at BS po, please group yourselves into three: Behavioral, Social and Personality group, Cognitive group and Abnormal group… SANDALI LANG PO, hindi ko sinasabi na ang nasa abnormal ay abnormal…
“Let me help you, Jauro” Kacci Morales said “Okay. Listen! Make sure that all strike teams in all buildings and roads will have at least one Behavorial and Abnormal member. Behavioral-Social-Personality people you are in charge of boosting the morale and efficiency of your team, increase their accuracy and all that. You know the spells. Abnormal people, you are part of the offensive, cast any and all forms of disorders to the enemies. You guys know what to do. Cognitive people, come with me. We are going to do what our professors did in the first attack: we are locking ourselves in a room and use our psychic abilities to disrupt whatever mental processes our enemies have. We will also try to read their minds to know about their plans. Let’s move out!”
“Some of the Comm people will join the Cognitive group too!” a Com student said
“Okay! Salamat Kacci! Ngayon… okay. The History and Euro Majors will summon soldiers from their respective cultures, the SocSci and DS majors are armed with I-Bombs, ideology bombs, and the Eco Majors are with the Gokongwei people in Ching Tan. Pagtapos na po kayo, maari no po kayong pumunta sa mga grupo ninyo.“
Escaler Hall
Science Education Complex – A
4:15 PM
Students of Health Sciences, Life Sciences and Bio Majors busied themselves by preparing masks, band-aids and other medical equipment in the Escaler lobby, now the Medical/Emergency Room, while the Chem, Physics and CS majors were either in Schmitt and Faura to prepare whatever weapons they could invent in a short time.
Inside one of Escaler Hall’s small rooms, Rob Roque was quickly giving assignments to each Course Rep. “Each team must have two Health Sci, Life Sci or Bio major to serve as the team medics. They will also be in charge of ensuring that the more seriously injured would be safely transported here for treatment. We will wait for the other members of the Escaler House to return with whatever they have. Something is better than nothing at this point…”
“Rob!” a Bio major said “We have finished packing the medical kits. I’m just concerned that there won’t be enough when the attack begins. Our supplies are very limited”
“All our supplies are…” Rob replied “Medical equipment, wands, papers for the CW majors, even morale and magis, I think. That is why we are hoping that our friends in Gokongwei House will not fail us…”
Ching Tan Room
John Gokongwei School of Management
4:15 PM
Laptops open and plugged. Webcams ready. Knuckles crackling. Arrrneow accent rehearsed.
Selected students from the House of Gokongwei were now ready to man and operate the Supplies and Logistics Center. From here they would buy and sell from stores and receive them via Apparition. They would then have to account them first before distributing them outside. Now in control of all the funds of the Sanggunian and the COA and JSEC, the students of the House of Gokongwei must now ensure that the fighters have everything they need.
They have also assigned point persons called Acolytes in key points on campus to facilitate the distribution of items.
“Okay! Are we all set?” Daryll Santillan called out “Those assigned here in Ching Tan, please take your seats. The rest, please join your teams. One Big Fight to all of us.”
Sanggunian Room
Manny V. Pangilinan Building
4:30 PM
Nervous shouts were heard outside.
“MOOOOB! C’mon Berchmans Teams, MOOOOB!”
“Faura people. Takbo. MOOOOB!”
“Wooooo! Go Ateneo!”
“Wait! Last yosi muna!”
The Sanggunian officers inside were relishing the nervous calm before the storm, a silence broken only be the arrival of ARSA President Rose Cupin.
“Where have you been Rose?” Gio asked
“Sorry. We were on the way but got a little side-tracked” Rose said before telling everyone what happened
“What? So how did you guys escape?”
“Oh. The idiots did not know that our beloved guards, Mang Palac and Ate Tonette knew how to diffuse the bombs. They even managed to disconnect the wire that would allow whoever those people were to trigger the bombs by themselves. Anyway, the dormers have joined the other strike teams… I have also assigned some of them to guard the Residence Halls premises just in case…”
“Great! Now all we need are those radios so we can communicate with each other.” Gio said.
“Uuuuh, Gio?” Jauro said “We… do not have the radios now. We can’t have them.”
“Why not?”
“Errrr. We have to reserve them two days in advance eh. They can’t be released now…”
“So how can we…” the frustrated President said, banging the computer table. Then he had an idea. “Tell all centers and stations to create Facebook accounts…”
It was 4:30 but the sky was already dark. The Ateneans took one deep big breath, hoping that the setting sun now would not end Ateneo’s day for good.
Four
The Second Battle of Ateneo
Gio Tingson’s News Feed Page
Facebook.com
5:00 PM
Gio Tingson: Centers, Sound off!
Escaler Hall: Aaah! The great outdoors! Are we being invaded?
Ching Tan Room: My life for Venus!
SOM Strike Team and JSEC Team Like This
Leong Hall: I shall be your eyesssss….
NatividadGF: Their pain shall be legendary!
Gonzaga Hall Likes This
Gio Tingson: According to the Cognitive group, their primary targets will be the four centers. All garrisoned and patrolling teams stand-by. Here they come!
Berchmans Hall: They’ve Apparated out of nowhere. They’re in the quad! We’re hit!
Kostka Hall: Taena! Clones! The League’s main troops are our clones. OMG! Their clothes are ugly! Feature nga natin sa Ateneo Fashion Watch! Attack! Attack!
Berchmans Hall (comment): IKR!
Dollhouse Team(comment): WALEY! Chaka!
Rizal Library: Enemy reinforcements Apparating in front of the Lib!
Blue Babble Battalion (comment): K lang! Sunugin ang books!
Rizal Library (comment): Gago! Help!
Natividad GF(comment): Sending our first batch of creatures now.
SEC – A: Three enemy platoons Apparating in the parking lot and in SEC Walk. Help! Malapit na po sila sa Med Center
SEC – B (comment): Sending reinforcements now.
SEC- C (comment): Ditto!
SEC – B (comment): @SEC-C: Wag na! You guys need to stay with the CTC bloc.
Ching Tan Room: We have purchased three boxes of Luck Potions. Go to your nearest Acolytes now.
You and 4 Others Like This
Escaler Hall: Injury count: Fifteen.
Escaler Hall --> Ching Tan Room: Mga tsong! We need potions and band aids ASAP
See Wall-to-Wall
Ching Tan Room --> Escaler Hall: Kk!
See Wall-to-Wall
Quad Team has killed 38 League of Anti-Atenean Forcesand now ranks #1 among his friends. Click here to beat his score.
Leong Hall: Psych Majors have intercepted their plans. Guys. Watch the skies. Incoming.
Church of the Gesu(comment): We see them. OMG (Sorry God). They’re eagles. Evil eagles. Firing Stunning Spells from the Bell tower now.
Rose Cupin (comment): Dormers from the UDorm rooftop firing as well.
Gio Tingson (comment): Firing from MVP too.
Rizal Library: Attack squad in this area defeated. We’re clear!
You and 4 others like this.
Ching Tan Room --> Escaler Hall: Bro! Med supplies are here. Sending them now.
Manila Observatory: Environmental Science students have finished bringing the trees in this area to life. They are coming.
Rizal Mini Theatre: We are deploying our first batch of theatre actors now. They have all shape-shifted into Achilles, Hector and other ancient Greek warriors. Where shall we send them?
Berchmans (comment): Sa quad po. We are really being overwhelmed.
Blue Babble Battalion killed 54 League of Anti-Atenean Forces and now ranks #1 among his friends. Click here to beat his score.
Escaler Hall: Injury Count: 20.
Ching Tan Room: We have purchased 20 dozens of Boots of Speed. This is only for patrolling teams. Claim from your nearest Acolyte.
Quad Team (comment): Bro! Boots of Travel naman!
Ching Tan Room (comment): Mahal! May budget po tayo!
Dollhouse killed 101 League of Anti-Atenean Forces and now ranks #1 among his friends. Click here to beat his score.
Berchmans Hall: We are overwhelmed. We are abandoning the building.
Gonzaga Hall (comment): Kami rin!
Kostka Hall has just bought Berchmans Hall in Friends For Sale.
Kostka Hall has just bought Gonzaga Hall in Friends For Sale.
Kostka Hall: Berchmans and Gonzaga have fallen. All surviving teams are with us here in Kostka Hall now. BV!!!!!
Natividad GF (comment): We are sending our next two waves of creatures to that area. Retake Berchmans first then Gonzaga.
Kurdapia Lopez: eLOw poE. aNo pOH ang gINAgaWa niYo? pUwEde po maKIsaLi? cN u b my pWeNd? kThNxByE!!!!
Leong Hall: Last batch of enemy reinforcements Apparating in front of Macci.
CTC (comment): Taenang Macci yan! It’s MATEO RICCI!
CTC: HAHAHAHA! Mga tanga! They Apparated instead in the field between CTC and SEC-C. They are moving targets from our windows.
SEC-C (comment): Potah! May tatlo pang natira! Tumatakbo. ASABOOOOOI!
CTC (comment): GG na boi!
Berchmans Hall: We have regained control of this place
Gonzaga Hall (comment): Same here!
Leong Hall: Intelligence reports show that there are no enemies left in the area. Good job guys.
Sanggunian Room
Manuel V. Pangilinan Building
6:30 PM
Gio, Jauro, Rose, Miggy Zaballero the COA President and Nonoy Baclao (who volunteered to help defend MVP Hall), were about to join their schoolmates as they screamed with joy and relief when alumni Harry Potter entered the room.
“Guys” Harry said “This is far from over. Cover your noses and mouths. And look outside.”
From their window, the Ateneans saw green and yellow dust being churned by the ground and mixing with the air.
“Don’t inhale!” said Harry as he pointed his wand at a notebook and turned it into a Portkey. “Touch the Portkey, guys. Quickly.”
A quick gush of wind surrounded them and in a matter of seconds, they found themselves in the dark Upper A section of an empty Araneta Coliseum.
___________________________
To be continued
Coming soon...
Five: The Department of Scalpers
Finale: Can You Tiu the Webb?
